Berry Lies

6 May


What the hell does an acai berry look like?  If you can tell me, I’ll send you the six old gift cards that have been hanging out with some sticky ibuprofen and rubber bands at the bottom of my purse. (Winner winner chicken dinner, who knows what’s on those babies).  Seriously though.  Are these even real berries? Oh, they are? Fine. Prove it. So, you really know what they look like? Based on the picture on the half gallon of acai flavored vodka you bought? Tell me…do they prefer a tropical climate? They must really thrive outside the Stoli plant. If they are in fact real, they sound like they should be magenta or maybe a deep red. Like a cranberry and a beloved pink Starburst had a baby. At least that’s what I’m thinking. I’m still not convinced though. I never heard anyone spin a nice ol’ timey story about how they used to go catch the bus every morning during summer vacation to go pick acai berries to earn money for their 4H project.

We lived a long time without these mythical berries. Why all of the sudden are they being put in everything from my shampoo to dog food? We no longer have a space program, but somewhere there is a big pile of money, 20 feet deep, that is being spent on figuring out what bullshit flavors we will suddenly decide we love. (Yes, I realize that these two things are completely unrelated, but this is how my brand of crazy works). Maybe Tang was the start of this, and that was made of condensed astronaut sweat, so perhaps there is a link. If Snapple made a monkey crap and banana green tea how long would it take until you at least, considered it? It’s full of antioxidants, I’m sure.

I’m sick of chipotle, too.  Shut up with your chipotle.  It’s the pesto of the 20-teens. Everyone went so bat shit for that one that a restaurant was born. Come get your chipotle at Chipotle. The special is grilled acai berry chipotle with a side of pomegranate salted caramels. For dessert, please enjoy some red velvet cake and bacon ice cream.

I don’t know what an acai berry looks like…and neither do you.  If you say you do without googling it to confirm, you’re a liar, liar, pants on fire. But, I can tell you one thing.  I know what a Franken Berry looks like.  That shit is real.


2 Responses to “Berry Lies”

  1. Roz May 6, 2013 at 4:20 pm #

    I presume you picked “ass-a-a” berries as your topic because of my pronunciation of the word. Laughed ’till I cried. My 12 yo wondered about your friend Mr. Gage who believes something has gone into your brain.

    Off to Five Rivers to talk about crap. With chia & flax seeds and 3 kinds of laxatives, I have material for at least two hours of conversation.

  2. Ellie Ehlert May 7, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

    So, does this mean you haven’t tried the acai berry enema? It’s heavenly.

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